Aakatsuki no Sheffu!
by LuneCramoisie
Summary: Oh dear. Kakuzu's done it again. He's hired a new cook. This chick obviously is NOT up to scratch. But there's no one else and, hey, who doesn't love something sweet in the kitchen? Except how the heck does she turn the Akatsuki on their heads!
1. A New Adventure Begins

Chp.1: A New Adventure Begins

It was a deceptively peaceful-looking house. Three stories plus a tower, attic, and doubtlessly a basement, all done in a neat eggshell white. What could possibly be categorized as a front garden was filled with tall, dark green plants and vines that seemed to move all on their own.

The girl standing before it all gulped, self-consciously running fingers through her hair. She'd taken on plenty of challenges in her fifteen years of life, but this was just ridiculous. How was she going to feed nine (doubtlessly starving) working men all on her little lonesome? HOW? She gulped and squared her bony shoulders, toes curling in her ratty sneakers. She shuffled up the front walk, a number of th lethal-looking plants looming over her head.

She eyed the plain white door and chose to press the button on the intercom beside it. It crackled with static before a dry, rattling voice growled, "WHAT?"  
"Ah, ano... this is Mitsuru Nakata? I have a job interview with..." she consulted the pen scribbles on her arm. "...Kakuzu-sama of the Akatsu-"  
"Don't say it out loud!" the intercom hissed. "Hold on, I'm coming down."

Mitsuru waited nervously, wringing the neck of her rucksack between her fingers. She had thoughtfully painted her toe- and finger-nails a brilliant Akatsuki purple and briefly admired the color before a number of violent rattles and bangs sounded from the other side of the door. A purple-nailed hand lashed out and grabbed her arm so hard that she could feel the flesh bruise. Before she could think to scream, she was pulled into the darkness of the big house.

"Nakata Mitsuru?" Colored spots exploded in her vision from the sudden change of light to dark.  
"H-hai!" she stuttered nervously, blinking furiously. "Umm... are you Kakuzu-sama?"  
"Nakata Mitsuru from Los Angeles? Who I talked to on the phone?" She was beginning to be able to make out the speaker slightly better. Most of his body was lost to the shadows of the hallway in his black cloak and he seemed to be cowled as well.  
"Yes, I'm from Los Angeles but I don't think I talked to you on the phone, Kakuzu-sama..." Mitsuru said doubtfully. "He said his name was... Zetsu?"

A grunt. "Fine. Wipe your feet on the mat and come this way." He clapped his hands and lights blazed into life down the hall, revealing a no-color carpet and a number of doors leading off of the hall. She trotted after Kakuzu's cloaked figure, slinging her rucksack over her shoulder. "Hurry up!" Snapping green eyes devoid of pupils flickered irritably in her direction. Mitsuru nodded vigorously and picked up the pace, following the elite ninja down a neck-breaking flight of narrow stairs down to what she assumed was the basement.

It smelled of mold and unwashed man-socks. Mitsuru wrinkled her nose and stepped around the questionable piles of what seemed to be miscellaneous human body-parts and dirty underwear. "Here." He clapped the lights on in a seemingly forgotten corner of the basement. An ancient cooking range sat hunched against the wall and the hulking shadow of a gigantic fridge created a threatening presence.

"Here's where you'll be preparing the three meals a day we'll be paying you for if you make it through the trial day." he said. "And I don't want you wasting ingredients, got it? And no fancy supplies like 'Tahitian Vanilla' or 'Free Range Eggs'."  
"So, nothing brand-name?" Mitsuru couldn't see his face behind his mask, but she got the feeling that he was trying to decide whether she was making fun of him or not.  
"If it's cheaper? No brand name."  
"Okay." She cast an experienced eye over her work-space.  
"So, get to work. Breakfast at nine, lunch at noon, and dinner at six. People might come in during the day to get something to eat between those times."  
"Mmhm. Ninjas have to keep those calorie counts up." Mitsuru tied her hair back in a tight braid and kicked her rucksack into a corner. Kakuzu was nearly all the way up the stairs before Mitsuru ran and called up the stairwell, "Kakuzu-sama? Could you, umm, send someone strong down to maybe help me clean up? I'll throw in desert free of charge!" She guessed that Kakuzu was too important to help him herself.

He paused a moment before growling, "I'll send Zetsu down." and left.

It was actually a good hour before said Akatsuki member arrived. Mitsuru jumped and shrieked when he melted out of the wall she had been scrubbing. "You needed help?" he inquired in a slow, polite voice. His odd appearance did not faze Mitsuru, though, as she bobbed her head gratefully and pulled off her heavy leather gloves.  
"Thank you very much, Zetsu-sama. Could you help me move this sack of... body-parts." she finished. She wasn't squeamish by nature but the way Zetsu grinned was a little too much like 30 Days of Night for her comfort.  
"Won't be a problem. You can continue scrubbing while I take care of it." he told her reassuringly while he ambled off to pull apart the sacks she had put the miscellaneous people bits in.

Mitsuru had started prying greasy dust from the range when Zetsu gave a small burp and announced, "That should do." She straightened with a groan and turned around, the bottom of her stomach dropping down to her toes when she saw that the once-bursting sacks were now completely empty.  
"A-arigato g-gozaimasu, Zetsu-sama."  
"No trouble. Anything else?"  
"No, that's... that's good."  
"So what've you got planned for dinner?"  
"Oh, umm... you're still hungry?" She cast a nervous glance at the two Venus Fly trap leaves encasing his head. Zetsu bared sharky teeth at her in what was probably meant to be a friendly grin.  
"I can always eat."  
"Then how does roast beef sound? Is it all right?" Mitsuru asked anxiously. "I'm not exactly sure what you all like. I don't even know your names. Isn't that terrible?"

Zetsu muttered quietly for a few moments, apparently arguing with himself. "Kisame doesn't eat fish. At least, only rarely,"he said after a while. "Deidara won't touch vegetables. Kakuzu doesn't eat anything that's even sightly expensive. I think Itachi does photosynthesis sometimes, but he comes down and sits with us (I think he's trying to find our weakness while we're occupied at mealtimes). Tobi's a good kid and he always has hard candy in his pockets. Hidan randomly swings between carnivore and vegetarian. You won't have to worry after Leader because he's hardly ever here, but sometimes Konan drops by and if it isn't at least 56% less fat, she won't even look at it."  
"And you, Zetsu-sama?" Mitsuru was committing the information to memory.  
"Oh, I eat anything." He stepped back into the walls, humming a tune that sounded vaguely like the theme to The Little Shop of Horrors.

"Okay. So!" Mitsuru clapped her hands together and surveyed the now sullenly gleaming stove, refrigerator, and counter-top. "You behave, got it? If I find out any of you have some sort of technical problems, I know how to use a wrench." She waved her finger threateningly. The fridge buzzed morosely. "Good. Now let's get to work. Fiiiiiighto, ne!"

"Deidara-sempai, is it really okay to spy?"  
"Shut up, Tobi! We live here. We have the right to make sure that someone isn't destroying the kitchen, un."  
"The kitchen looks all right to me, Sempai. Better than normal, even. Shall we say hello?"  
"What! We don't mingle with civilians, Tobi! The wench is obviously a civilian!"  
"That's not very nice, Deidara-sempai." A disapproving note crept into Tobi's voice. He might have been frowning behind his orange mask at his superior. "You shouldn't call her a wench. She's probably very nice. Here, Tobi will show you."  
"No! Tobi! What the hell are you-"

But Tobi had already trotted out from behind the secret door beside the fridge and waved, saying cheerily, "Hello!" The girl currently chopping up potatoes at the sink with a gigantic knife jumped.  
"Oh, ah, hello!" Confused at the unexpected visitor (dinner wasn't for another hour) she bowed.  
"I'm Tobi. What's your name?" The girl looked up at the Akatsuki member apprehensively, but she seemed to grow at ease with his friendly tone.  
"My name's Mitsuru. It's a pleasure to meet you, Tobi-sama."  
"Awww, you don't have to 'sama' me, Mitsuru-san! It's just 'Tobi' 'cuz Tobi is a good boy."

Mitsuru grinned at him, displaying perfectly white teeth and dimples tucked into her cheeks. "Then you can just call me 'Mitsuru'. I'm sorry, but dinner will be another hour. Are you all right with pot roast?"  
"Tobi is sure that Tobi will like whatever Mitsuru makes. It smells really good!" Fragrant steam was rising from the oven. The scent was undoubtedly meaty, but with the sweeter undertones of roasting carrots and potatoes. Perhaps even leeks were baking alongside the vegetables as well.  
"Thank you."  
"Can Tobi do anything to help?" Mitsuru thought a moment.  
"That's very kind of you. Do you know where I might find a table to fit everyone at and some stools or chairs?"  
"Tobi does not know. Tobi is pretty new here, but Sempai might know."  
"Sempai?"  
"Yes, Deidara-sempai is here, but he's too shy to say hello."  
"I AM NOT TOO SHY."

Deidara stomped out from the secret door, turning red from the relief of finding some that looked near her own age that suddenly lit up Mitsuru's face. Their last few potential cooks had all been hardened chuck-wagon drivers or Hell's Kitchen survivors/rejects. Not a single one of them had been under thirty and nowhere near as cute as the culinary hopeful standing there in the leather apron she had procured from (strangely enough) the refrigerator.

"Deidara-sama, do you know where I might a table and chairs? I assumed there was already one down here but all I could find were some half-burnt pieces of wood." Mitsuru looked anxious. "And I think it would be tacky to have a bunch of smaller tables instead of one big one."  
"Umm... I think there's one in Sasori's workroom. No one's been in there since he bit it, un."  
"Tobi and Sempai will find a table, don't you worry, Mitchan!" Tobi said eagerly. Mitsuru didn't object to the nickname. "C'mon, Sempai!"  
"Wait a second,To-!" But Tobi was already dragging the hapless blond up the stairs, chattering all he way.

They returned a good forty minutes later, a huge wooden table suspended between them. "Stop swinging it, un!"  
"Tobi is sorry, Sempai. Mitchan, look, we found a table!"  
"Thank you so much! Please set it here." Mitsuru indicated the center of the spacious room and Deidara set down his end with a grateful sigh. Tobi ran back up the stairs to find enough chairs for everyone. Deidara stayed behind and watched, though, as the little brunette attacked the table with a scrub-brush and what smelled like a bucket of soapy water treated with lemon juice. He felt a twinge of what might have been guilt at the sweat pouring down Mitsuru's face and how tight her mouth was with the effort of scrubbing. Her sleeves were rolled up above her elbows revealing slender forearms and delicate wrists. Though her hands were chapped and dry from so much soapy water, he recognized them as belonging to an artist.

"Can I, er, help?" Deidara asked awkwardly, forcing the strange words from his mouth. He didn't like seeing an artist's hands to raw.  
"That's very kind, thank you. There's another brush in the bucket. You can work on that end, okay?" She looked up and smiled briefly. "But, might I ask, exactly what kind of work did Sasori-sama (may he rest in peace) do on this table?"

Deidara looked at the table with a vague sort of disgust before rolling up his sleeves and saying, "You don't really wanna know, yeah. Bleach might do the job faster and better."  
"Oh." Mitsuru pulled away from the scarred wood surface for a moment before shrugging and continuing. "That's nice."  
"Mitchaaaaaan!~ Tobi found more chairs!"  
"Thank you, Tobi."

A few minutes later the oven dinged, making the girl yelp and run, opening the door with a creak. "I need a taste-tester!" Deidara was faster than Tobi and didn't even feel a bit resentful when a spoonful of something hot and delicious was shoved into his mouth. He fanned his mouth a bit at the hot food item, but finally chewed and closed his eyes. It was deliciously savory yet slightly sweet and perfectly seasoned. The texture was smooth and melted in his mouth like butter. "Oh my God," he said, eyes closed in rapture. "Damn that's good, yeah."  
"Sempai." Tobi's quiet voice was filled with awe. Deidara's cracked an irate blue-green eye at him.  
"What, un?"  
"I'm glad you like roasted carrots, Deidara-sama." His eyes widened in horror at Mitsuru's impish grin. She flashed a peace sign at him, spoon in one hand.  
"Th-that was a c-carrot?" he sputtered.  
"Yes. I was told you didn't like vegetables, Deidara-sama. But it's kind of hard to not like them, isn't it? It just depends on how you prepare them." That blinding little dimpled smile was turned his way again and he found himself turning red. Before his scrambled brain could find a clever retort, a voice boomed, "Damn that smells good."

A tall, blue-skinned man sniffed the air appreciatively. "Please have a seat." Mitsuru bid, pulling a pair of ancient oven-mitts that looked like bear paws on her hands. She pried the oven door open and pulled out a roast that had to have been at least thirteen pounds plus the vegetables cooking beside it in the drippings. She set it on the table and rummaged in her three-quarters empty bag for a two-pronged carving fork and knife. Seven sets of plates and cutlery soon followed as Tobi cheerfully set the table.  
"I smell meat." A white-blond violet-eyed man stepped out of another secret passageway three feet from the stove. He had the slightly haggard look of one on a diet. "I hate fucking meat."  
"Hidan-sama, right?" Mitsuru said breezily, reaching for a pair of tongs as she took the lid off of a steaming from on the range. "Don't worry. I've prepared a no-meat alternative. Please sit down and make yourself comfortable."

When Mitsuru next turned around with her sharpened carving knife in hand, every seat was taken up at the table. She took a fortifying breath at Tobi's encouraging nod as he bounced around in his chair. The other members looked bored and like they had yet to be blown away. "When you are finished, please tell me what you think and what other things you would like to see on the menu, should you hire me." She bobbed her head nervously in Kakuzu's direction. He watched her impassively. "Tonight's supper is roast beef with carrots, potatoes, and leeks."  
"I hate-"  
"And for anyone who is not satisfied with this-" Mitsuru interrupted. "-there is linguine with wild mushrooms. Completely vegan and organic, I might add." She raised her knife and brought it down gently upon the steaming side of beef, professionally separating seven slices and setting them on the plates around the table.

Tobi immediately dug in with a small whoop, Deidara following a moment later. Even Hidan's stressed diet look lessened when he bit down on a mushroom that had been perfectly sautéed in olive oil and white wine and sprinkled with pepper. "Fuck." was all he said before attacking his plate of pasta.  
"Are you going to eat that?" Zetsu asked the dark-haired man sitting beside him. The ninja shoved his plate at the ravenous grass-nin and it was quickly cleaned.  
"Itachi-sama? Would you like some pasta instead?"Mitsuru asked concernedly. She blanched suddenly when the cold Sharingan eyes were turned towards her.  
"I'm not hungry." He said in his usual low monotone.  
"Not even some roasted carrots? They're good for the eyes."

Everyone stopped eating momentarily to see the small spasm that passed across the Uchiha's face. "Good for the eyes?" he repeated.  
"Yes. It's the vitamin A in them that keeps your vision up to snuff. Also very good for the skin."  
"I'll have some."  
"Right away. I- what?" Mitsuru looked in puzzlement at the small smiles and smirks and nudges going around the table. "Am I missing something?"  
"Nothing at all." Itachi said coldly, ignoring his colleagues. "Carrots. Now."

When the last bites of roast and pasta were gone, a huge trey of covered bowls was excavated from the fridge. Panting slightly from the effort, Mitsuru took away the plates and cutlery and replaced them with the bowls and a number of spoons she had found. "I hope you all like chocolate pudding. It's an old standby recipe of mine. It's just milk, chocolate, and eggs." When she had turned away to begin doing the dishes, a hard kick was administered to Kakuzu's shins beneath the table.

"Hire the wench. Now." Hidan hissed, voice low so that the object of the conversation did not hear.  
"Did you just kick me?" Kakuzu muttered incredulously.  
"Yes, please do, Kakuzu-san," Tobi begged.  
"See? Swirl-face likes her!"  
"Tobi likes everyone." Kisame snorted. "But if she keeps making roast beef, I'm all for it."  
"I can't hire her!" Kakuzu responded hotly. "She's going to fuck up and then it's going to be expensive."  
"But she's so nice!" Tobi cried while the others shushed him.  
"Hire her." Zetsu's black half said with a belch.  
"I ate her friggin' carrots, Kakuzu! She's an artist!"  
"What does ole Red-Eye have to say?" Everyone turned to look at Itachi who had sat impassively while they conversed. He was absorbed with scraping every last bit of the decadent pudding from his bowl. "Well, Itachi?"

Itachi did not respond until his bowl was spotlessly clean. Slowly, he put his spoon down before facing the group. "Hire her." he said. "I'm sure she will be of value."

Kakuzu was defeated by the mental cheering going on all around him. He sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Mitsuru. Come here." Said girl immediately ceased what she was doing and came to stand at the head of the table.  
"Hai, Kakuzu-sama?" she asked somewhat hopefully.  
"You're hired."  
"Thank you, Kakuzu-sama!" For a moment, Kakuzu had the horrible feeling that Mitsuru was going to hug him. She clasped her hands and bowed deeply. "Thank you so much! You have no idea how much this means to me."  
"Yeah, okay, just don't be expensive."  
"Oh, no, Kakuzu-sama, I'm an incredible miser." She held up her fingers in a peace-sign, dimples practically glowing. "You'll hardly notice I'm here."

A/N: When did change their layout?!??1 I've been away from too long! D= This comes from reading too many cookbooks and loving the Akatsuki too much. I look through cookbooks like toddlers look through cardboard picture books. I devour them and their contents with an incredible passion that leaves me breathless.~ Whoa. o_O That sounded dirty. Anyway, have fun.

To date, I have only finished two out of four of my series. And I just started this one. Hey! 50% chance of me finishing this one, then. =3


	2. 60 Year Female Flower

"Fuck." Hidan's alarm-clock was screaming at him. "Why the hell should I get up, hn?" he said into his pillow, punching the alarm off of his nightstand. But someone was hammering at his door.

"HIDAN-SAN!" Tobi yelled. "BREAKFAST TIME!~"

"Ugh. Just some shitty cereal and soy-" He sat up and opened his eyes completely, inhaling deeply, hardly daring to hope-

-and the scent of frying bacon and eggs and pancakes filled his nostrils and made his brain run in excited little circles. He tossed his blankets aside, thundering down the stairs in nothing but his pajama bottoms and rosary. Unsurprisingly, the long kitchen table was already occupied with hungry ninjas wolfing down vast amounts of breakfast items. Except, of course, Itachi didn't so much wolf down his food as poor cup after cup of coffee down his throat, accompanied by a bagel smeared with cream-cheese and topped with smoked salmon and capers.

"Morning, Hidan-sama!" Mitsuru trilled, already highly caffeinated. "Are you vegetarian today?"

"Vegetarianism can go fuck itself," he breathed, accepting a plate piled high with bacon, eggs, and pancakes.

"Coffee, tea, or orange juice?"

"COFFEE."

"Salt and pepper are already on the table. Tomatoes are in the bowl near Tobi and that big jug over there has the syrup."

No one even looked up as he sat down by Zetsu, carefully keeping his fingers and elbows away from the Grass Nin's personal bubble. "So. Kakuzu-sama and Hidan-sama are going to Kaze-no-Kuni today, ne?" Mitsuru wore a fresh blouse and broomstick skirt, a frilly apron on her person and a clipboard in one hand. She flipped through the sheets of paper on it, pursing her lips in concentration. "Deidara-sama and Tobi will be in Ocha-no-Kuni, Zetsu-sama in Mizu-no-Kuni, and Kisame-sama and Itachi-sama in... Beast Country? Hm. Haven't been there in years. All right, I've packed you all lunch. Itachi-sama, I've packed you plenty of carrot sticks. Hidan-sama? Remember to drink plenty of water. Zetsu-sama, there's a thermos in your bag with hot tea to warm you up. Mizu-no-Kuni is pretty cold this time of year. All right, is that everything?"

Feeling like a rather sheepish line of children being shunted off to school, the Akatsuki accepted the paper lunch-bags, each with their names written on them in different-colored Sharpie.

"Ooooh, pastrami." Deidara cooed, peeking into his bag. "How'd she know?"

"Ganbatte yo!!" Mitsuru called from the sink as they shuffled up the stairs. She hummed as she scrubbed busily, up to her elbow in scalding water.

"She's so friggin' domestic," Kisame muttered in awe as he closed the kitchen door behind him. "In any other country, she'd already be married off with a dozen brats and a farm." Kakuzu snorted.

"Somethin' funny, Kakuzu?" Deidara inquired acidly, casting a dark look over his shoulder at the Falls nin behind him.

"It sounded like derision." Itachi observed with a hint of poison in his voice. _No one_ mocked the girl who introduced him to the wondrous powers of carrots.

"Don't get too attached to her," Kakuzu warned them grumpily. "She's got to be a shinobi somewhere near the rank of Tsunade-no-Sannin."

"Stop spewing your fucking bile." Hidan retorted, slinging his scythe over one shoulder as soon as they had escaped the cramped confines of the stairs. Deidara chortled while Tobi giggled. Even Zetsu had to crack a grin. That sweet little thing (smaller even than Deidara) was a great _sage-ranked ninja?_ Hah. Maybe Kakuzu had been into the sake or something.

"Whatever. Just heed my words and when she starts talking like Martha Stewart? Just know that she's sixty years old."

Utter silence.

Kisame guffawed. "Or else she's got a bunch of extra organs stuffed inside her body, eh, Kakuzu?" he teased non-too-kindly.

"No. Really. Her application states her age as sixty. It's got her work-visa stamp on it, too. Utterly official."

Dead silence.

"Nooo..." Deidara gasped, horrified. "She's an old hag?"

"Mitchan is too cute! Please say it isn't so, Kakuzu-sama!" Tobi cried, hands flying up to his mask in dismay.

"I feel... unclean." Hidan choked, sagging against the wall. "Must... purge...."

"Oh suck it up. You've got to be at least twice that." Kakuzu spat at his partner. "Be more worried about her skills instead of her age."

"It is... unnerving." Itachi said even more stiffly than usual.

"Old ladies smell like lavender and vanilla?" The Akatsuki turned as one to stare at the Mist nin. "WHAT? So a man takes a healthy breath every now and then. What's the big deal?"

"She does smell really good. _Good enough to eat_."

* * *

It was amazing how well Mitsuru Nakata fit in with the Akatsuki. Kakuzu hadn't been able to hold onto a chef for more than two days and yet Mitsuru (affectionately called "Mitchan" by Tobi, no matter how old she was) had lasted a month and didn't seem to be going anywhere. In fact, she seemed to come to belong to the criminal organization in a bizarre way that no one could explain. It was like she had adopted them and though they were indignant at first (they were fully grown men, fer crissakes!), they finally realized that they truly had been feeling the lack of a female flower in their garden of male weeds.

Speaking of gardens....

Deidara, as the thoughtful young man he was, had overheard (-cougheaves-droppedcough-) Zetsu and Mitsuru talking about plants as it was Saturday, and therefore Zetsu's turn to be taste-tester. Mitsuru had expressed interest in planting a vegetable garden. There seemed to be no question on the part of any of the parties involved that Mitsuru would be working for them indefinitely.

"I definitely think that we should try growing bok choy," she said thoughtfully, stirring a big pitcher of gazpacho. "Ooooh, and leeks! And ginger. Or a whole oriental section and then some thyme and cilantro... you wouldn't _believe_ what I can do with potatoes and chives. And basil jazzes up anything, especially when paired with tomatoes and then you put them together on toasted French bread rounds with some mozzarella.... What I wouldn't give for some calamansi,"

"You know a lot about herbs." Zetsu observed, accepting a tall glass of gazpacho laden heavily with salt and stirring it with a stick of celery.

"My mom used to garden a lot." Mitsuru said, sheepish at how she'd been rambling. "I've always had an interest in botany. I mean-" here she threw her head back and chortled. "-I even kept a _venus flytrap_ when I was a kid. I caught gnats and flies for it and brought them home in a jar."

Deidara scowled enviously. Zetsu had gone oddly still and from his peep-hole in the wall behind the Grass Nin, Deidara saw Zetsu's leaves turn an odd shade of pink. "Dianaea Muscipula?" His black half said hoarsely.

"Why yes. I _love _carnivorous plants. I even had a Sundew once and it was happy enough to grow a stalk of little red flowers. But that year got a little too cold for it, I think. And I was living with my grandma and she didn't approve of pets, even if said pet was actually a plant."

"Many people think that carnivorous plants are creepy. Bordering on wrong, even." Zetsu said stiffly.

"Oh, I don't think so. Carnivorous plants are absolutely _wonderful. _Regular plants can be a bit boring sometimes, but Venus Flytraps especially are wondrous how they just snap down on things. A bit sexy, even."

Deidara was seeing red-- or maybe it was just how darkly Zetsu was blushing.

* * *

"Sixty-one... no way." It had become a bit of a mantra for Hidan. Much as he liked the impression of the majestic immortal that (he fancied) he gave off, the idea of someone looking so young and cute yet being over fifty disturbed him. It's not like he was a sexist, prejudiced, blood-thirsty young priest.

No one needed to know that he was really only twenty-two, right?

RIGHT?

So maybe Mitsuru had lied on her application. It didn't really seem like she'd do something like that, but he could sense a little kitsune-like aura beneath the sugar and dimples. The only way to find out if she was really a sage-ranked ninja was to see what she could survive. There were other less-dangerous ways of course-- like simply asking her-- but he was going through a vegan phase and his brain was too starved of protein to really be too clever. What he needed was someone else on his side. And he knew just the impressionable young man to help him.

"Psst! Hey, you!" Deidara was instinctively wary of people who hid in dark corners and said that. Especially if they were men, wore dark cloaks, and followed up their initial hailing with, "I've got some candy for you if you come over here!" Though the one who spoke was a man _and_ wearing a dark cloak, there was no mention of candy so Deidara decided it was perfectly all right.

"What?" he said grumpily, joining said man-- Hidan-- in said dark corner. "Ore wa 'Hey, you!' ja nai yo. Deidara desu."

"Whatever. I want you to blow up the kitchen. With the wench in it."

Deidara stared, dumbstruck, at the madman before him. "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?"

"SHHH! STFU, n00b! Not so loud!" Hidan glanced around shiftily as if someone with a chainsaw would suddenly drop from the ceiling. "I wanna make sure that that chick really is a sennin."

"I'd kill her if I blew up the kitchen, un!" Deidara hissed, lowering his voice. He suddenly stopped, pierced by a horrible thought. "There wouldn't be anymore home-made chocolate chip cookies!"

"Forget your girly cookies for one fucking moment. If she's a sage, she won't die and you'll get to keep those fucking cookies."

"What if she's _not _a sage, yeah? Are you insane?!?!"

"Stfu. She'll be fine."

"Oh, my gawd. Is that chatspeak?

"Wtf is chtspk?"

"You're unhinged, un. Crazy. Mad, mad I say! Oh...wait. It's Wednesday, innit?" Deidara thought a moment. Hidan could almost see the cogs grinding to a halt in Deidara's brain under his blond mop. "When was the last time I blew anything up?"

"How the fuck should I kn-... Saturday." Hidan whispered. "You wanna blow somethin' up? Blow up the kitchen. The wench'll be fine. Do you think a little girl could make your pansy-assed cookies all nice and gooey? No. _They're grandma cookies_. She probably soaks herself in formaldehyde every night and sleeps in a freezer like a vampire."

Hah. Impressionable young people were so easy to mold. Especially when they were also blond idiots.

"I'm just blowing up the stove, yeah." Deidara cautioned. "I'm not touching the oven because-"

"Yeah, yeah, that's where the cookies come from. Just hurry it up."

A little clay spider sat upside-down on the ceiling. It made little spasmodic scuttling motions towards the cooking-range before breaking into an eight-legged run when Mitsuru's back was turned.

"Hurry up!" Hidan and Deidara had concealed themselves in the doorway, watching the girl mix up a large batch of Japanese-style curry croquettes. Or, to some people, "Kare korokke". Deidara shook his head.

"I like croquettes." he said petulantly. Hidan smacked him upside the head.

"Grandma croquettes, that's what they fucking are! They stink of formaldehyde and Old Spice!"

"They smell like curry." Deidara muttered mulishly. Nonetheless, he made shooing motions at his spider on the ceiling and it scuttled down the wall and behind the range. "Okay. 3...2... WAIT!"

"WHAT?" Deidara's exclamation had almost given Hidan a heart-attack in the tense atmosphere.

"She's humming Three Days Grace."

"Wtf does _that_ mean?"

"It means she's a goddess." Deidara said dreamily. Hidan's face turned red. He took a deep, deep breath, drawing back his foot-

"KATSU!" He timed his bellow with his heel connecting with Deidara's backside. Deidara squawked and lurched forward just in time to be blown straight back into Hidan from the force of his explosion. The two ninjas rolled ten feet further, their secret passage having been blown open. Deidara struggled upright, gave Hidan a hearty kick, and then ran out into the kitchen to survey the results.

The hot oil Mitsuru had used to fry the croquettes in had caught fire and added a second explosion to Deidara's little C1. The ceiling and walls were black and the stove was nonexistent. A twisted mass of metal was all there was to show where it had been.

There was neither hide nor hair of the girl.

"HIDAN!" Deidara screeched, rounding on the other blond just shambling out of the passageway. His eyebrows had been blown clean off. What he was about to say was drowned out by another voice.

"MITCHAN NOOOOOOOO!" Tobi screamed in utter horror, the octave he used far above even what dogs could hear. There was a thundering as four other pairs of feet came crashing down the stairs.

"What the fuck?" Kisame stared aghast at the ruined kitchen and the wreckage of what had once been dinner preparations.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?" Kakuzu pushed past the other Akatsuki members,livid with rage. "WHO DID THIS?" Deidara pointed mutely to Hidan. The Jashinist flipped the artist The Bird.

"But what about Mitchan?" Tobi sobbed hysterically. "So talented, so very cute-"

A cough.

They all looked up.

Mitsuru blinked down at them from the ceiling. She looked like one of the Dust Sprites from My Neighbor Totoro. She stood with her feet glued to the ceiling with chakra, the oven door held as protection from the explosion.

"Ano... Kakuzu-sama? I think you have a gas-leak." She said after a few minutes silence. Her braided pigtails were stiff with soot and her once sky-blue dress was pitch-black. Faint disappointment greeted the fact that she was wearing black shorts beneath her skirts.

"You're on the ceiling." Hidan said somewhat stupidly. That just _proved_ his theory!

"Hn? I don't think anywhere else would be any safer, Hidan-sama." Mitsuru bobbed her head politely. She hopped down with the grace of a ninja. "I'm so sorry, Kakuzu-sama. I didn't notice there was a gas-leak until it... well... blew up."

"Who are you exactly?" Kakuzu demanded. Tobi lunged forward with a squeal and enveloped Mitsuru in a very heartfelt hug.

"Mitsuru Nakata, Kakuzu-sama. I'm from Los Angeles." Mitsuru answered as she was lifted off of her feet.

"How old _are_ you?"

"Hn? Oh... I'm sorry..." She blushed with shame. "I lied on my application..."

"SEE? FORMALDEHYDE GRANDMA COOKIES!" Hidan screeched, pointing dramatically at the sooty girl.

"I beg your pardon?" She asked politely.

"Hidan-san, you're so rude to Mitchan!" Tobi cried, finally setting the girl down on her feet.

"You get crazier every year, I swear." Kisame sighed, bemused. His partner said nothing.

"I'm sorry. I'm actually fifteen." Mitsuru bowed her head in expectation of the cruel judgment of the silent room.

"_Fifteen_?"

"I can't get a legal work-permit until I'm sixteen!" Mitsuru cried, still with her head down. "I am very sorry for lying!"

"But... your application says that you're sixty, yeah." They all turned to stare at Deidara. "Kakuzu's got it."

"REEEEH?" Mitsuru gasped, eyes huge. "Oh no! I meant to write '16', not '60'! I am very sorry! Japanese is my second language." She sank into a very, _very_ deep bow.

"No wonder Mitchan is so cute!" Tobi gasped as if that cleared up every single mystery in the world. "Mitchan is still a high-schooler!" At the words "high-schooler", Deidara had to forcibly banish all of his favorite manga titles from his head before the inevitable nosebleed started. Mitchan blushed a bright red.

"And I used to babysit for a ninja family back home. I picked up a few tricks. I'm so very sorry about dinner. I don't know when the kitchen will be usable again, so you may want to order takeout."

"Chinese!" Deidara crowed.

"But Hidan-sama is-"

"Whatever." Hidan muttered, dazed and giving in to his craving for protein. "Let's order a Meat-Lover's from Pizza Hut."

"Hey, Papa John's is better!" Kisame argued.

"Dominoes." Zetsu and Itachi put in their two cents.

"Chinese is cheaper." Kakuzu objected.

"Umm... I've had good luck with the Golden Skewer." Mitsuru said meekly. "Always fast, fresh, and lot's of it. Good prices, too."

And because some strange, tiny part of Hidan and Deidara felt guilty, they both chorused sagely, "Golden Skewer it is."

* * *

A/N: If there's anything in particular you'd like to have happen, please let me know. I love commetns and suggestions.


	3. Sneezing Like a Fruit

"Ku-shun!"  
"Whoa, Deidara, gonna blow your brains out?" Kisame was on the couch pouring over the cable TV brochure some ballsy salesman had left on the doorstep. "Kakuzu will kill you if you leave cerebral-spinal fluid on the carpet." Deidara sat in the middle of the "family room", shoulders hunched up around his ears at the sudden loud noise.  
"Wasn't me, un."  
"Ku-shun!"  
"Gawd, Deidara, use a freakin' kleenex!" Hidan looked up irritably from crossing out sacrilegious channels from the list in the cable brochure. He had dark circles under his eyes from his latest round of veganism.  
"Jeez, it wasn't me!" Deidara responded heatedly, surrounded by a circle of clay models on the carpet.  
"Kusshhhhuuuun!"  
"Bless you, Deidara-sempai." Tobi poked his head around the doorway. "Are you coming down with the cold?"  
"If you are contagious I shall take... actions against you." Itachi informed the blond coldly as he dropped from the ceiling like a spider.  
"It's not me!" Deidara argued. "Why does everyone think it's me?"  
"Kkkkkushunnnnn!"  
"Because you sneeze like a fruit." Kakuzu said with poisonous patience, whisking the cable brochure away from Kisame and Hidan.  
"Have any of you seen me sneeze in the last few minutes, yeah? No! It's not me! And I do NOT sneeze like a fruit." Deidara felt them all mentally ganging-up him. Between Kakuzu's stinginess with cold medicine and Itachi's chronic germaphobia, there was no room for dripping noses in the Akatsuki. "And, seriously. Have you ever heard Mitsuru sneeze? Maybe SHE sneezes like a fr-"

"KUUUUSHUUUUNNN!"

CRASH! BANG! CLATTER!

"AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"HOLD ON MITCHAN TOBI'S COMING!" Tobi shrieked, racing out the doorway and down the stairs toward the sounds of chaos coming from the kitchen.  
"I was only joking!" Deidara muttered, falling down the last few steps and making Kisame trip.  
"Mitchan! Where are you?!" Tobi fretted, scuttling from pile of boxes to pile of boxes. It'd taken a month of careful being saving and Consumer Reports browsing to find the best deal on a new refrigerator and cooking range. It'd only been in the last week that said appliances had come, along with a new table and a set of chairs from IKEA.

"I see feet." Itachi observed quietly, pointing over to a particularly large pile of boxes. A pair of purple clogs on feet attached to ankles stuck up in the air.  
"Oi, Mitsuru?" Kisame nudged one foot. It twitched. "Alive or dead?"  
"Alive, I think." Came the weak little reply, sounding especially pathetic from underneath all of the layers of cardboard.  
"Kisame-san, please pull her out!" Tobi scuttled over.  
"Athithtez moi, thil vous plait." Mitsuru requested weakly. She waved her hand, seeking a way to get out of her prison. "I'm thtuck."

It took both Kisame and Tobi to lever the poor thing upright. She looked dazed and blew her nose wretchedly into a handkerchief she had procured from her apron. "I'm tho thorry for da meth, Kakuthu-thama." she said thickly into her hankie.  
"Good god. That was you sneezing?" Kakuzu looked her up and down, wondering where she kept the lung-power to sneeze so mightily.  
"I don't undasthand id. I wath fine thith mo...morni..." Her eyes were screwing themselves shut as she took a deep, deep breath and-  
"RUN FOR IT!" Deidara yelled, pushing Kakuzu out of the way-

"Ku-SSSHUUN!"

The girl jack-knifed as she rocketed into Kisame and sent the both of them into the pile of boxes she had just been rescued from. They disappeared completely inside of the mountain of cardboard.

"Gomene, Kithame-thama."  
"Don't mention it."

"Do we call for a crane?" Hidan wanted to know, examining the boxes from all sides.  
"No. Too expensive." Kakuzu shot down his proposal immediately. "Kisame. What's your position?"  
"Awkward." Kisame said flatly, his voice muffled.  
"I have a suggestion." Itachi thought it prudent to put in his two cents. He didn't want to have to get yet another new partner. "Kisame, do that thing you do."  
"Oh, come on, Itachi-san. Nooo... not in front of everybody else."  
"What thing?" Deidara asked eagerly.  
"Yay! Kisame-san's going to do a trick!" Tobi clapped his hands together delightedly.

"I don't wanna do that thing I do." Kisame argued.  
"Kithame-thama? I haff to thneethe again." Mitsue said meekly.  
"I'll do that thing I do." The Mist Nin conceded hurriedly. "But I need a drum-roll and someone give Itachi a rose."  
"I'm not your mother. You can do whatever it is that you're going to do without a drum-roll." Kakuzu said waspishly, a vein starting to throb in his forehead.  
"No, seriously, I need a drum-roll."  
"No you d-"  
"He needs a drum-roll." Itachi stated.  
"And I'll get a rose!" Tobi said, eager to help. "Is there a particular color you want, Kakuzu-san? I think yellow would look best with your eyes."  
"Just your basic average rose, Tobi." Kisame groaned, knowing that he would regret his actions someday. "And hurry."

Five minutes and forty-six seconds later, Deidara sat on a box with an upside-down pot in his lap, two wooden spoons poised over the metal surface like drumsticks. Itachi stood with the rose in one hand, completely composed.

"Drum-roll, please." Kisame choked out in a tortured voice. With obvious relish, Deidara drummed the spoons against the copper pot-bottom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, today we are about to see the greatest discovery mankind has ever made!" an excited announcer's voice said from somewhere. Hidan screeched like a chimpanzee and stared around wildly. "Born in a typhoon and raised by tsunamis, I present to you the great, the terrible, the brawny, the scaly-"

A low rumbling sounded from deep within the pile of boxes. The light-fixtures began to sway as Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi, and Deidara grabbed on to whatever solid thing they could find and held on tight. Itachi kept his feet, knees bent slightly as he braced himself.

He threw the rose at the exact same time as the pile of boxes blasted apart. Corrugated cardboard slammed into the walls and left smoking indentations as a brilliance shone from within what had once been a prison of recycled paper-products.

"-The very blue, the very strong, the AMAZING-" Sharp teeth clamped down on the rose- "SHARK-MAN!"

The sleeves of Kisame's cloak were tied around his throat like a cape, the red clouds flapping in an unseen breeze. Kisame posed heroically, one arm flexed to show off his magnificent blue biceps and the other over his head on which the (suddenly feeling very small) Mitsue perched, perfectly poised. Kisame winked roguishly at a nonexistent cheering audience, the thorns on the rose matching his sharky chompers beautifully. "Donations are more than welcome. Shark-Man has a very large appetite."

Tobi began to clap, breaking the mood. Mitsuru joined in, starry-eyed with admiration. "That wath wondaful!" she cried in a congested voice. Poor Kisame turned a deep, embarrassed red but nonetheless set the girl down gently.  
"Kisame-san is so talented!" Tobi said in awe.  
"Where the hell did you pick that up?" Deidara asked, grinning very broadly but not very kindly. Kakuzu and Hidan were disentangling themselves from the cardboard wreckage.

Kisame tore off his cape and shoved his arms hurriedly through the sleeves before buttoning it up securely to his chin. "Akatsuki wasn't my first gig." He muttered.  
"You knew he could do that?" Kakuzu demanded, glaring at Itachi. Itachi regarded the Falls Nin calmly and said, "You didn't?"

"Mitchan, do you have a cold?" Tobi asked the girl concernedly. He grabbed her arm before she fell over with the force of another, slightly weaker, sneeze.  
"I dunno." she said thickly, blowing her nose again. "I wath fine thith morning. Thang you bery much, Kithame-thama."  
"Contagions have been let inside the house?" Itachi asked urgently.  
"Kushun!" Mitsuru sneezed wheezily again. "Araaa..."  
"You should go home." Kisame was standing slightly to the side of Mitsuru, out of the way of her sneeze propulsion.  
"Sempai and Tobi will make sure you get home all right, Mitchan." Tobi assured her.  
"Stop. Volunteering. Me. Un!" Deidara snapped.  
"I couldn't athk you to do that," Mitsuru snuffled into her hankie. "I live with a friend on the West Side. It's pretty far."

Utterly. Dead. Silence.  
"Whoa. The West Side?" Even Hidan looked alarmed. "What, is your friend a freakin' crack-dealer or somethin'?"  
"No, but the thtands on dark thtreet-cornerth like a crack-dealer." Mitsuru said waspishly.  
"That's not a good environment for impressionable young girls like Mitchan." Tobi gasped woefully. "Oh, poor Mitchan! Living in a district rife with crime and with a prosti-"  
"Kakuzu, do something!" Deidara demanded.  
"Do what?"  
"Something! Do you wanna read in the paper about Mitsu getting found knifed in the gutter, yeah?!?!?" Deidara looked horrified at the very thought. "No more pudding! No more croquettes! No more cookies OH MY GOD KAKUZU DO SOMETHING."  
"Yessss, Kakuzu-san, please have Mitchan move in! Mitchan can have Tobi's room and Tobi can move in with sempai!~"  
"Whoa, where there hell did you get THAT idea? I'm not sharing a room with you, un!"

"Kakuthu-thama?" The bickering fell silent. Mitsuru peered with puffy red eyes at Kakuzu over the top of her handkerchief. She looked so small and frail, her braided pigtails sticking out and frilly apron sliding off of one shoulder. But she had a business-like gleam in her eye that made her a girl after Kakuzu's own hearts. "I'll throw in houth-cleaning for free. Laundry, vacuuming, duthting, you name it. For free ath a way to pay for room and board. You won't regret it."

Kakuzu wondered briefly how on earth the girl knew just how to push his buttons. He found it uncanny how reasonable he found her...her... well, not demands, but offers. He mulled it over, ignoring Deidara turning big blue puppy-eyes his way. Well, maybe karma would reward him for rescuing a girl from The Narrows.

"There's a spare linen closet down the hall." he said shortly."Provide your own bed and make sure you vacuum thoroughly. Hidan leaves weird dried-blood bits in strange places. Itachi? Kisame? Consensus?"  
"In favor." Kisame said, nodding. Itachi inclined his head similarly.  
"Leader and Konan aren't here to vote. But I'm sure Zetsu-san will agree." Tobi said, convinced.

Mitsuru sighed in relief.

"Thank you. I'll be able to get an earlier thtart on breakfatht now. Ath thoon ath I can breathe properly." Mitsuru said, blowing her nose again. "You won't regret it."

Kisame was vegetating in front of the television. He sighed appreciatively as he kicked off his shoes and propped his big blue somewhat fishy feet on the coffee table, sinking back into the couch. Ah, Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. There was nothing like it. And after that embarrassing episode where he demonstrated That Thing He Could Do two days ago, he needed to take his mind off of the world in general. And watching Tiger Sharks ripping into Hawaiian surfers was just the ticket to taking him to his happy place.

He didn't notice she was there until a congested voice asked, "Anythin' interethting?" He jumped, hastily taking his cerulean toes off of the coffee table and shoving them back into his shoes. Mitsuru leaned over the back of the couch by his head, hair frizzed out and nose cherry-red. She stared with unfocused eyes at the forty-inch LCD screen.  
"Uhhh... just sharks. I can change the channel." Kisame said meekly. Everyone else thought sharks were boring and ugly and weird. They did not know how some species made excellent parents and just how intelligent they were. Kisame was used to being over-ruled in what to watch on television and only got his doses of Discovery Channel when no one else was around. He found it easier to give in and let Zetsu turn it to the cooking network or Hidan's fascination with Homer Simpson abusing Ned Flanders ("Goody-two-shoes heathen. Yeah, you show that pansy-assed bible-thumper, Homer!").

"Nnnnn? Thark Week?" Mitsuru shuffled around the couch, lost in the depths of an old gray sweater and a pair of loose jeans. She fell onto the couch next to him, drawing her knees up to her nose and coughing wretchedly. "I love tharkth."  
"You do?" Kisame asked incredulously, wondering abstractedly just how tiny the girl could make herself as she curled up into a ball.  
"Yup. They're awethome." she sniffed, rubbing her nose. "I wanted to be a thark when I wath a kid."  
"Hey, watcha watchin'?" Deidara catapulted over the back of the couch, landing with a thump between Kisame and Mitsuru, making the girl bounce. "Awww, man, Kisame! Sharks AGAIN, un? Obsessed much?"  
"Whoa. That wath awethome." The girl's eyes curved with satisfaction as a Great White dismantled an Atlantic Bottlenose Dolphin. "Thatth why I love tharkth."  
"Oh. Umm... yeah, sharks are cool, un." Deidara said awkwardly, thrown for a loop and not wanting to disagree with the cute- though sick- housekeeper that now lived with them.  
"Shh!" Kisame hissed in annoyance as the narrator said something about the maximum speed of the Great White.

"What's on? Move your ass, Deidara." Deidara began to scooch closer to Mitsuru but Hidan shoved him away and plopped himself into the space between the artist and the resident chef. "It's six o'clock. Hand me the remote."  
"Uwah, but Hidan-thama, the tharkth!" Mitsuru gasped.  
"What about the sharks?"  
"Tharkth are amathing! Thee- look!"

An engraving popped up on the screen of a stylized shark/whale combo devouring Jonah. "They're thinking that maybe a thark got Jonah inthtead of a whale."  
"Who the fuck is Jonah?" Hidan had already wrestled the remote-control from Kisame and his finger was hovering over the button to change the channel.  
"Jonah was a profit of the God also known as Yahweh in Christian and Jewish mythology." Itachi said impassively, hovering behind the couch. "His God sent him to convert the Ninavites in what used to be Babylon. Jonah ran away and was promptly swallowed by a giant fish."

"Seriously?" Hidan asked, incredulous. Deidara plucked the remote out of his hand and slammed his fist down on the button.  
"HEY!" Kisame shouted as the Home Shopping network started advertising a bracelet with twenty carats worth of cubic zirconium.  
"FOX 11!" Hidan tried to snatch the remote away from Deidara but the artist bounced up off of the cushions and into the air. Itachi relieved him of the channel-flipper but a well-aimed cushion knocked it out of his hand.

Kakuzu, hearing the springs in the new couch-cushions being bounced out, rushed into the fray and promptly got hit in the face by his partner. What had one been a rather peaceful scene devolved into utter chaos before a very imperious voice said, "SHH!"

They stopped. Kakuzu froze in the act of strangling Hidan while the Jashinist was attempting to pull out Deidara's hair who had tied Kisame's legs together with his cloak.

Tobi sat at the end of the couch opposite from them, a finger to the place where his lips would have been under his mask."Shhh!" he whispered. "Mitchan's asleep!" And so she was. The girl was leaning against the much taller Akatsuki member, mouth slightly open and chin buried in the loose collar of her sweater. Tobi slung a protective arm over her, somehow looking intimidating in a swirly orange mask and with only one eye.

"When the fuck did you get here?!?!" Hidan rasped, incensed at having his place beside the pretty little chef usurped.

Kisame sighed mournfully. Alas, he guessed it wasn't meant to be.

Tobi smiled smugly beneath his mask.


	4. Enter Blue

Deidara dropped he box of Christmas lights in the entryway, moodily shoving his blond mop out of his eyes. "Kakuzu!" he shouted. Tobi staggered in behind him underneath the weight of ninety pounds of citron.  
"SHUT THE GOD DAMNED DOOR YOU'RE LETTING THE HEAT OUT!" Kakuzu' raspy roar echoed in the hall.  
"Whoops. GOMENESAI, KAKUZU-SAMA!" Mitsuru bellowed back as a particularly strong gust of wind made her skirts flare and she had to grab onto her hat. "Hayaku onegaishimasu, Tobi."  
"Hai! Where shall Tobi put these, Mitchan?" Tobi peered around the boxes and boxes of candied fruit in his arms.  
"Please just leave them by the door. I'll come and get them later."  
"Did you see the look the broad in the baking aisle gave you, yeah?" Deidara chortled. "She looked like she was going to start crapping kittens."  
"Well, Kakuzu-sama gave me the coupon book and I thought I should make use of it." Mitchan said sheepishly, hanging up her coat on the rack by the front door. She held up the gigantic coupon book, bursting with deals, and scribbled with a pencil on the sheet of paper taped to the inside cover. "So I used the candied fruit coupon, the fifty-percent-off all holiday goods coupon, and all sixteen of those '2 dollars off' coupons." She mumbled as she wrote. She shoved the pencil back into the pocket of her dress, snapping the coupon book shut. "I hope Kakuzu-sama doesn't mind that the Wal-Mart buy-one-get-one eggnog coupon expired."  
"He has at least five hundred coupons in there that no one is ever going to use, yeah." Deidara scoffed. "Besides, eggnog is icky."  
"But Kisame-sama and Zetsu-sama expressed interest in it, so I think I'll make some." Mitsuru said thoughtfully, hanging up her beret. "Zetsu-sama was very kind to bring me back those spices from Vegetable Country. And hot chocolate for those who don't like eggnog. Ah, and rum balls! I also have this divine recipe for truffles that I've actually made money from and-"  
"How do you stay skinny?" Deidara demanded, unwinding his green scarf from around his neck. "The way you cook you should be five hundred pounds, yeah."  
"Oh, you think I'm skinny?" The girl blushed prettily, flapping her hand at him. "Oh, stop it."

A klaxon sounded from somewhere nearby, Deidara and Mitsuru jumping at the sound. "Uh oh, Mission Call. Wait, it's three o'clock already?" Mitsuru clapped her hands to her face, horrified. "Uwaaah! I need to get dinner going!" She fled down the stairs, taking the steps three at a time and nearly falling the last few feet.

"DID NO ONE HEAR THE BELL LET'S MOVE IT!" Kakuzu bellowed from the sitting room. Deidara recognized that particular tone in Kakuzu's voice, shoving Tobi out of the way in an effort to not be the last person on call. Hidan was already sprawled all over the couch,looking much more relaxed than lately. Oh, right, it's Monday. Deidara realized with a twinge of jealousy. Monday was Hidan's day as taste-tester and Mitsuru usually took the chance to make sure the Jashinist got plenty of protein and iron, hence the slightly glazed look of too many tryptophans. But whatever made the priest so loosey-goosey Deidara wasn't going to complain about as he shoved Hidan's arm out of the way for him to sit down.

Tobi catapulted over the back of the sofa, making Hidan and Deidara bounce. Kisame kicked Deidara to the floor and took up two cushions. Zetsu preferred to stand. But as soon as Itachi made his appearance-- dangerously peeved at his brand of shampoo being discontinued-- the couch was vacated. He sat down on the middle cushion, back a perfectly straight and rigid line, his body language warranting an, "oh fuck" from all parties present.

Kisame stood before them in front of the television, a tick pulsing in what little was visible of his forehead. He held a scrap of paper in one hand, bird droppings marring a corner of it. There was also a nice big drippy patch of messenger-bird poop on his shoulder.  
"So, Kakuzu, who's got what?" Kisame said after a few minutes of silence once everyone got settled.  
"No one's going anywhere." Kakuzu hissed in a threatening voice. They all tensed, inwardly cringing at his tone. "And no one is doing anything except staying calm and not panicking."  
"No offense, Kakuzu, but you're calling the fucking cauldron black." Hidan said lazily. "Maybe you should try some meditation. Or, even better, get a religion. Serve Jashin-sama. It's totally zen I'm telling you-" He was knocked backwards by the force of the message's envelope hitting him in the face.  
"Shut up!" Kakuzu wheezed, a hint of hysteria making his voice climb the octaves like a mountaineer. "You all just. Shut. Up! This is a catastrophe! There won't be anyone to chase down those deals when I'm away. No one to shampoo the carpets and make sure Hidan doesn't bleed all over the furniture--"  
"Hey!"  
"--no one to pickup the dry-cleaning. We'll have to start tipping the pizza delivery guy and... and..." Kakuzu actually dared to sit down beside Itachi, head between his knees as he sucked in deep gasps of air.

Not even a cricket chirped.

"Hold on. Back up." Deidara thrust his hands into the air in a "zomfg stop!" gesture. His eyes narrowed, boring holes into the back of Kakuzu's neck. "Mitsuru-chan takes care of those things, yeah. She obsesses over every single Wal-Mart sale worse than you do and she shampoos the carpet twice a week and got the plastic slip-covers for all of the furniture, un. She doesn't pick up the dry-cleaning because she steam-cleans everything and we don't tip the pizza guy because Mitsuru-chan smiles at him and... and..." Deidara's eyes widened like saucers, his compatriots leaning in despite themselves. "Oh gawd. What's going to happen to Mitsuru?"

Kakuzu shoved his fist at Deidara, the message crumpled in his palm. Hidan was the one who actually pried Kakuzu's hands apart, extracting the crushed piece of paper and smoothing it out on the arm of the couch. Mitsuru would have cried had she seen the bird poop being smashed into the upholstery.

"'Dear Kakuzu,' yada yada bullshit..." Hidan read, looking for the real information. "'The Midwinter Season is approaching and I will be in Umi-no-Kuni, Konan coming in my place to make sure you are all coping.'" He stopped, staring at the paper. He looked up, pupils tiny as he mouth fell open. "Oh fuck." he said. "It's Blue. He's sending Blue."  
"She has a name, Hidan-san." Tobi said reproachfully.

"'Konan will inspect the facilities and make sure you all haven't gone slack in my absence.' Fuck that! Who's gone slack?! 'It has come to my attention that you have hired yet another cook. If Mitsuru Nakata is still in your service by the time Konan gets there, she will be interrogated by Konan to make sure that she can be trusted and go over the background checks you have done.

Sincerely,

Leader'."

"Wait. Why is Bl- Konan coming such a bad thing?"Kisame demanded. Six pairs of eyes regarded him with disbelief.  
"The character for 'peace' is the kanji for 'house' with the kanji for 'woman' underneath it." Itachi said tightly. "Two women in the house is... is... unwise. It is not peace."  
"But does Mitsuru really count, yeah?" Deidara ventured. "She's tiny. She's a girl, not a woman."  
"She is highly skilled in the culinary arts." Kakuzu rasped, finally raising his head. "She is petite, bright-eyed, and don't any of you deny that she is what people call 'cute'. Not to mention that she is also a household whiz and so domestic it would make Konan-- a highly-skilled ninja but not very feminine-- feel threatened. At best, she will dismiss Mitsuru. At worst..."  
"She'll be a smear on the wall." Hidan groaned. "Oh fuck.".

"Hidan-saaaaaaaamaaaaaa!" A voice trilled from the basement. "Taste-tester-san!"  
"I'm outie!" Hidan fled the room at warp-speed, the vacuum he created slamming the door shut behind him.  
"How long do we have until Konan-san gets here?" Tobi asked in a hushed, scared voice.  
"Until--"

A chill wind blasted through the house, followed by dramatically slamming doors that would undoubtedly chip the paint. "DAMN IT, HIDAN! CLOSE THE FUCKI...." Kakuzu's words petered out in a strangled croak.  
"Kakuzu?" She took a step forward to the discordant screeching of terrified violins.  
"Blu-" Kisame punched Deidara.  
"Konan."

"Kisame, Zetsu, Deidara, Tobi, Itachi. Good afternoon." Konan said in a chillingly polite voice. She seemed to loom over them, her frame deceptively small-looking beneath her billowing coat. "Where is Hidan?"  
"Hidan-san it downstairs with Mitchan." Tobi said before a chorus of shushing silenced him.  
"I'll just go and... give my regards." The cellos screamed along the violins as Konan made her exit, cloak swishing and lightning crashing.  
"Damn it, Tobi!" It was Tobi's turn to be punched. "We could have smuggled Mitsuru out!"  
"Two kanji for 'woman'," Itachi muttered feverishly. "Two...."  
"Frickin' hell... it's not like Hidan's going to protect Mitsuru-chan, un!" Deidara scrambled for the door, Kisame, Kakuzu, and Tobi hot on his heels.

Konan had just reached the bottom of the stairs as they clattered down the steps behind her. She paid them no heed, advancing slowly and ominously on the small figure at the stove. Mitsuru was obliviously decked out in the height of country Lolita fashion, apron swirling and braids bouncing as she chattered and chopped parsley with a mezzaluna. Hidan had his back to Konan as well, making happy noises as he chewed a perfectly-seasoned pignola-laced meatball, little explosions of Parmesan and olive oil jacking up his endorphin production. But he was not too intoxicated to feel the doom at his back. He wheeled around slowly, eyes wide and feral.

He inhaled sharply, the meatball shooting down his esophagus and jamming his windpipe. He wheezed, eyes bugging out as he clutched the stove for support, mercifully missing the burners. "Hidan-sama?" Mitchan looked around. Her mild concern turned into abject horror. "HIDAN-SAMA!" She shrieked, completely ignoring Konan as Hidan fell to the floor with a bang. "Ayah! Kakuzu-sama!" she wailed, seeing the other members of the Akatsuki standing in the stairwell. "Someone help me! He's choking!"  
"Stupid fucker should just learn to chew his food properly." Kakuzu muttered threateningly as he rolled up his sleeves.

Hidan was already blue in the face but he voiced a pitifully wheezey scream as his partner advanced on him with a demonic gleam in his eye. Kakuzu did indeed look like he was enjoying himself too much as he drew back his arm, black threads swarming over his hand. Tobi covered Mitchan's eyes and ears, knowing what to expect.

**SCHLUK.**

Hidan was no longer striving for oxygen. In fact, his face had gone a healthy pasty green while his blood-shot eyes stared hatefully at his partner. Kakuzu used a dish towel to wipe Hidan's esophageal matter from his hand, tossing it into the sink when he was done. "All better?"  
"You... you..." Hidan wheezed, but his voice had a strangely whistle-like quality. Mitchan gave a little screech as Tobi lifted his hands away.  
"Hidan-sama! I'll go get the first-aid kit!" She ran off in a flurry of skirts and braids. She returned a moment later with a fifty-pound metal toolbox stuffed to the brim with gauze, Hello Kitty band aids and—strangely enough—milk of magnesia.

The gauze went around Hidan's neck and chest, attempting to stem the flow of blood and bile from where Kakuzu's fist had slammed clean through Hidan's collar-bone and heart area. "You should lie down, Hidan-sama." Mitchan's face was pale and scared-looking. "Oh, poor Hidan-sama. I should have made that meatball smaller."  
"I'm fine." Hidan wheezed, his face good and truly green. He tried to wave her off but his arms were limp and useless, more like noodles than limbs.

"Tobi will make sure Hidan-san lies down." Tobi assured the girl, heaving the Jashinist to his feet.  
"Oh, thank you Tobi." Mitchan said, more than a little teary. "Don't worry Hidan-sama. Just you get rested and I will make whatever you want next Monday. Anything at all! And I'll make sure there are plenty of meatballs left for you." Protesting weakly, Hidan was dragged up the stairs and to his room.

Mitsuru took a deep breath, brushing parsley off of her apron. She suddenly noticed Konan, who had standing and watching all of the proceedings with growing unease. "Oh! I'm so sorry. You must be Konan-sama. Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu." She curtsied deeply. Konan turned to glare at Kakuzu.  
"You hired a nursemaid." she accused. Kakuzu looked insulted.  
"What! Mitsuru was hired to do the cooking. Nothing more, nothing less. She just turned into... into..."  
"An au pair." Kisame said wisely. "ORIGIN late 19th cent.: from French, literally 'on equal terms.' The phrase was originally adjectival, describing an arrangement between two parties paid for by the exchange of mutual services; the noun usage dates from the 1960s."

Silence.

"I'd already read all of the magazines in the bathroom so the only thing left was the dictionary." he said defensively. Itachi sighed at his partner's intellect.  
"But Kakuzu-sama is ever so kind!" Mitsuru protested. Kakuzu flinched. "I was living in a terrible neighborhood before Kakuzu let me live here! I have a lovely little room with just the sweetest wallpaper down the hall. The Akatsuki have been so very generous!"

"Who are you exactly?" Konan asked suspiciously, eyes narrowing. Mitsuru gave her a confused look, eyes round.  
"Mitsuru Nakata." She said slowly. "I am from Las Angeles in California. Age fifteen. I'm doing a work-study program for high school and I-" She suddenly stopped, eyebrows shooting up. She spun around with a cry of horror. "My meatballs!"

Konan cocked her head, frowning. She bent to the side ever so slightly, getting a different view. The Akatsuki found themselves all following her example. "You look familiar."  
"Well... I was featured in the December issue of 'Yummy'," Mitsuru admitted bashfully. "And in October's 'Delicious', 'Better Homes and Gardens'...." Konan's frown deepened. "Oh! And I was featured in 'Calorie Counters United'."

The others were aware of a sudden stiffening in Konan's spine.  
"Which issue?" Konan asked coolly, forcing her voice to remain calm. Mitsuru went back to turning her meatballs over in the pan, the heady scent of sizzling olive oil filling the air.  
"The June issue. I made wild blueberry and lemon French ice cream with a calorie count of sixteen per half-gallon serving. There's some in the freezer, now."

There was a mad dash for the Cuisenart Sub-zero fridge, resulting in Konan sitting on a heap of unconscious and bleeding Akatsuki members while she propped the container of sorbet on her knee, digging in with a spoon she'd produced from her sleeve. "Mmmmmmmmmmm oh my gawd."

Mitsuru hid a small, secret smile of satisfaction as she hummed cheerily over the groans of those who had lost so spectacularly. Things were going JUST as she'd planned. BUWAHAHAHAHA--

A splatter of hot oil landing on her hand made her squeak, interrupting her train of thought. She wiped it off quickly.

--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!


	5. Maid Thief!

Kisame, gentleman that he was, had volunteered to go with Mitsuru to the farmer's market. So had Deidara, Hidan, Tobi, Zetsu.... you get the picture. Kakuzu was engaged with seeing Konan off, accompanying her on a last round of inspections before she left that afternoon. Mitsuru's low-fat yet decadent recipes had endeared themselves to the formidable blue-haired kunoichi. The background check was forgotten, though it was as Deidara said, "Anyone who's a good cook can't be a bad person, yeah."

They drew lots and Kisame got the winning straw. But it came at a price because he, as the blue-skinned wonder of the Bloody Mist village, was extremely recognizable. That's how he ended up in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, knee-socks, sandals, and sunglasses topped off with a large straw hat identical to Mitsuru's. He was having fun, he had to admit, doing something as wholesome as pawing through piles of ripe fruits and vegetables and inquiring after the harvest. Of course, that was supplemented by baring his sharky teeth threateningly at any of the young men who dared to so much as greet the cute little chef, decked out in country lolita.

The sun was shining brightly, the stalls were filled with produce, and friendly farmers offered free samples and extolled the virtues of their wares. "Kisame-sama?" Mitsuru stopped abruptly, Kisame nearly running into her. She frowned slightly, looking around. "Do you feel as if we are being observed?" He scanned the bustling crowd, sniffing the air. He sensed no shinobi chakra, but it could still be there beneath the layers of many boisterous people. He shifted his paper bag of pineapples to his other arm, unconsciously reaching for his nonexistent Samehada. Mitsuru suddenly relaxed. "Whatever it was, the feeling's gone now," she said brightly, tipping back the brim of her hat to smile at him, teeth and dimples sparkling.

But now something was nagging at Kisame, even if Mitsuru was perfectly relaxed again, exclaiming over a crate of foul-smelling durian. Something was amiss...

Someone bumped into him. "Hey, WATCH IT, kid." he snarled at a teen-aged boy. The boy made a face at him.  
"Sorr-EE." he said sarcastically, his big dog keeping pace beside him as they waded off into the crowds. Kisame, confident that Mitsuru meant to stay where she was for a while, shouldered his way after the boy. There was something amiss about him. How many young mean had red stripes tattooed on their faces and were accompanied by giant canines? His pace quickened, civilians shouting their protest at being poked by his bag of spiky pineapples. No way. It couldn't be....

The boy with the dog was joined by another boy, this one with spiky blond hair and whisker-marks on his cheeks. They looked back shiftily over their shoulders, eyes widening like dinner-plates when they saw him through the sea of people. They broke into a run, pulling down produce stalls and awnings after them, leaving chaos in their wake.

Losing sight of them for a moment, Kisame darted to the side, leaping over crates heaped with mangoes and watermelons. He ran up the brick wall that lined one side of the avenue, catching up to the boys as they broke free of the farmer's market and were running for all they were worth. Kisame pulled a kunai from one of his socks, hurling it at the boy with the dog.

He poof'd.

The dog poof'd.

Kisame skid to a halt as the blond boy exploded into smoke mid-stride, fingers held in a peace-sign and eyes narrowed in a fox-like grin. The Kyuubi kid. His eyes widened in disbelief, unable to comprehend what had just happened. He'd been chasing bunshin? And not just any bunshin but that dumb Uzumaki boy's bunshin! Whatever for? Why had they come to find him?

Then a cold weight dropped into his stomach, bag of produce falling from his nerveless hands as he sprinted back to the chaos that was the half-destroyed outdoor market. No, no way, they wouldn't dare--

"Mitsuru!" he shouted. The air smelled heavily of hot, smashed fruit. He found his way past the wreckage to the durian-seller who was now packing up in a hurry.  
"EVERYTHING HALF-OFF!" he bawled as he hammered the lids back on his crates of produce.  
"Hey, you!" Kisame grabbed the shorter man's shirt, lifting him off of the ground."Where is that girl who I was here with five minutes ago?"  
"I beggerpardin?" The man squeaked. Kisame tore off his sunglasses, giving the man the full affect of gills, teeth, and crazy eyes. "WHERE IS THE LITTLE LOLITA WHO WAS HERE EARLIER?"  
"I don't know!" the man wailed, wetting himself in his terror. "Please sir don't hurt me! My wife's in the hospital and my boy is lame-"

But Kisame wasn't listening to him anymore, instead staring at the piece of cloth nailed to the lid of the nearest crate. It had frills along one side, the fabric delicately pin-striped with pale pink. He dropped the man, who landed in a heap on the ground. Kisame carefully freed the cloth from the lid, recognizing it as a corner from Mitsuru's pinafore. He squinted at the words and felt the dread break over him afresh.

"aKAtsUKi:

U sHOuLD KNow ThAT WE sTolED UR MAID. HAHA LeWzErs.

U G1v uP oWr FiER l0rd AND wE Giv B4CK UR gUR1.

W3 AllS0 4cc3P7 R4NsUM.

pEeCe OWt

KoNohA

ps.: u suck"

There was no sound save for water gurgling in the pipes and the fridge humming two floors down.

They all sat in the "family room" together, shocked and appalled and generally disbelieving. Tobi suddenly burst in tears, burying his masked face in his hands and sobbing hysterically.  
"So..." Deidara said hoarsely, staring dumbstruck at his similarly stricken compatriots. "Now what?"  
"We get her back!" Kisame said vehemently. He was still wearing his disguise, steadily shredding the hat between his fingers. "I'll get her back. I shouldn't have let her out of my sight. Damn it!"

Kakuzu was still staring at the piece of pinafore in his hands, having been the one to read it aloud. Itachi plucked it from his numb fingers, leaning over the back of the couch to hand it to Zetsu, standing behind him. "Can you scent anything?" he asked, as urgent as Itachi could get. Zetsu held it up to his noise, sniffing delicately.

"Hmm... lilac, mangosteen, vanilla, Windex..." His white half began.  
"Dog, six youths... can't tell age or sex from this." his black half grumbled. "But I smell durian and AXE, too."

Mitsuru smelled durian and AXE as well. She was packed up in a box like a tropical bird bound for the illegal pet market. Her knees were pressed up beneath her chin and her elbows smashed tight to her sides. She couldn't see a thing and breathing was difficult around the residual stench of durian. It made her eyes water and her nose run. At least they weren't dragging her anywhere at present. "Let me out, onegaishimasu!" she called as politely as possible. She heard voices outside of her prison.  
"You didn't gag her?"  
"What! I thought _you_ did!  
"I'm not going to tie up a girl! That's more your style, Kiba."  
"Why you-"  
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP."

There were two cries of pain and the excited yipping of a large dog.  
"S-sakura-san, maybe--" a timid voice began.  
"Excuse me!" Mitsuru tried again. Her voice rebounded painfully against her ears. "Please tell me why you have boxed me up."  
"O-oh." the timid voice said again. It was a girl's voice, soft and pretty wimpy. Mitsuru could hear the girl's fellows urging her on. "I'm s-sorry, Mitsuru-san, but you're our h-hostage."  
"I beg your pardon?"  
"It's just, umm... the Akatsuki took the Fire Lord." the girl went on. It sounded like she was blushing from embarrassment. "We'll give you back of course, unharmed, if they agree to give him back."  
"I'm being held equal in value to a daimyo?"  
"Eerm... yes?"  
"Uwa!!!! Sugoi, ne!"

"Why does she sound so _happy_?" The two three-man cells shuffled out of ear-shot of the crate and their hostage. They were in an abandoned cabin in the woods, a mile from the farmer's market. Being so close to the scene of the deed made them all nervous. Naruto was, quite frankly, disturbed by Mitsuru's optimistic mentality. "Are hostages supposed to be _happy_?"  
"Maybe we conked her on the head by accident?" Kiba sounded anxious. Their instructions were to grab the girl and go and to under _no circumstances_ harm her. Akamaru whined in agreement.  
"I don't think so... Sai?" Sakura turned to her socially-inept team-mate. He shook his head.  
"No. When Naruto-kun and Kiba-kun distracted Hoshigaki Kisame, Hinata-san and I grabbed the girl and put her in the box. She went quietly."  
"Do you think the Akatsuki did something to her?" Hinata whispered in horror, hands flying up to her mouth as her eyes widened. "Oh, poor Mitsuru-san!"

"Sumimasen!" They all jumped and turned as one to stare at the crate, **DURIAN** spray-painted in large block writing on one side. Mitsuru tapped politely at her prison to gain their attention. "I'm sorry, but will this take very long? I need to start on dinner. And shampoo the carpets because Hidan-sama always makes a mess with his rituals and then Kakuzu-sama gets upset and-"  
"You are a _hostage_." Sakura said as slowly and clearly as she could, but not unkindly. "Mitsuru-san, if the Akatsuki cooperate, you shouldn't be with us for more than a week."  
"Oh."

Silence.

"Umm... so, will I ever be let out of here?" Mitsuru inquired politely. "I'm having trouble breathing because of the Durian smell."  
"I-"  
"Kakashi-sensei is here." Shino appeared in the doorway.  
"Oh thank god." Kiba muttered. He and Naruto, as resident strongmen, each lifted an end of Mitsuru's crate and carried it out of the cabin and to the waiting eighteen-wheeler, a trail of destruction in its wake. The young shinobi all piled inside, looking around shiftily to make sure no one else was around. As they closed the rear hatch the truck started up again, gave a shrill squeal as smoke erupted from it's exhaust-pipe, and rumbled off, leaving behind the cabin and the last chance for Konoha to avoid the chaos that was about to ensue.


End file.
